Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
worst night to have a conscience
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
