I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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