You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
