OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
