I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
