no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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