Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
