we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
