I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
