im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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