Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
