you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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