Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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