I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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