Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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