May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
