DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
