she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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