Someone shit on the floor
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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