We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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