My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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