Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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