Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
