rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
