I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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