I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
