Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
