I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
