is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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