Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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