Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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