I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
