You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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