So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
