the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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