happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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