4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
