i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
How does it feel to date your dad?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
