I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
