Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
