If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
