And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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