He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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