what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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