I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
how do flat chested girls get laid?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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