Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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