I'm sorry my penis didn't work
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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