Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
