No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
