toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize