I haven't been this sober since birth.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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