At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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