I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
