I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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