We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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