Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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