Houston, we have a squirter
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
