she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just google imaged poop.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
