I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Ladies don't puke and tell
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
