I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
